I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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