U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
