im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
