My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You are a genius and a whore.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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