I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize