So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
