I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I had to cum in my sink.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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