I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
