I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize