I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
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