No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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