i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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