is your mom at the bar?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
