Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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