you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
