i need an iv and a liver transplant
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
