Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
