This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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