uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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