im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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