There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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