and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
