My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
