i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
