I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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