Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
