Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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