i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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