The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
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