Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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