Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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