After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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