saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
