I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
