what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
