You can't special order awesome
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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