First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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