I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
