I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
