Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
