dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
