I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
