my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
