Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Randomize
