not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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