a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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