Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
