is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
