He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
