There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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