it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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