I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
