Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
