nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
