and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
