3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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