If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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