i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
